Wednesday, July 27, 2011
My Solitary Existence
Pretty much from birth I've lead a very solitary life. My escape from solitude has invariably involved books of fiction, filled with stories of redemption for those characters who seemed to be on a slow road to nowhere. My tendency toward solitude is not readily visible to the untrained eye. Yes, I'm nice; friendly; happy; giving; helpful; etc., but the world around me is kept at a respectful distance. You would be hard-pressed to find someone who's not a member of my family who would be able to say that they know me well. Teetering on the precipice of my 36th birthday (September 24, write it down ;-)), I see myself as a lone figure looking into the distance. Currently there's a cat by my side, but I know that someday she'll be gone and it'll be just me...again...My lack of interest in getting married and having a family puts me in a corner that isn't inhabited by very many of the people that I know. I'm a believer that true love can exist outside the constraints of marriage, but after almost five years of being with someone that I knew in my heart I didn't belong with, I'm not sure if I can trust my judgement in that regard. I'll be perfectly fine if another opportunity for love doesn't present itself, but the financial drain that the last opportunity caused for me is putting a severe crimp in my ability to go out and have fun like I used to. I've spent the majority of the past year playing catch-up. I know that at some point this situation will right itself, but until then my life of solitude feels more like a prison than a conscious choice.