Good Music and Good Friends

You all know from the URL of this blog that I have an immense love for Gavin DeGraw. His music has changed my life. As a live performer he is beyond compare. I got the opportunity to see him twice last week in two different settings. The first one was a fairly large crowd and made me feel kind of like I was at a sporting event. It wasn't a stadium or anything like that, but it had a very impersonal feel. I'm used to seeing Gavin in much closer quarters. I found that performance to be a bit lackluster, not the least of which was because of the sound engineering. I also felt like his set was very generic, which felt right in line with the direction that I see his career going in. Luckily, I didn't pay money for that particular show. One of my friends won free tickets and asked if I'd like to go with her. I also got to meet up with some other friends, so the night wasn't a total loss.

To be perfectly honest, I was dreading going to the show the following night, especially since it was in Hyannis (Cape Cod) and I had to drive to get there. Had it not been for the fact that a friend was depending on me for a ride, I wouldve stayed home. All I can say is thank God I didn't stay home! The second show was in a more intimate setting and Gavin was able to connect with his audience. That's what was missing from the show the night before. I bet all he could see is light and just the faces in the front row. Not so, at this smaller venue, which has a rotating stage. Every seat in the house was a good one. I had an excellent view of him and was able to take a few pics. Unfortunately, I forgot to put my memory card back in my camera from the last time I downloaded pics onto my computer, so I couldn't take very many. Regardless, Gavin electrified the crowd, so much so that the tent we were under was like a sauna! I was covered in sweat by the time his set was over. Words can't describe how happy I was to see the "old Gavin" performing on that stage. I know the more intimate shows don't bring in as much money as shows in larger venues, but Gavin does his best shows when he can really interact with the crowd, which is hard to do when you can't even SEE them.

In the future, if he keeps playing such impersonal venues, I will pick and choose the shows that I go to, looking for the ones with more atmosphere. I almost gave up on him, not as a musician, but as a performer. When you know and have seen what someone can do, it's heartbreaking to see them stray away from that formula. Yeah, we all want money (some of us more than others), but as far as I know, he owns the licensing rights to his songs, so he'll make money until the day he dies, purely off royalties. His work to build a grassroots following paid off in that his fanbase is a very loyal one. I got to hang with some of those awesome loyal fans at both shows. What we have in common, besides our love of good music, is that we look out for each other. We're a community that would've never gotten together were it not for Gavin's music. With the release of this new album, there's been a push by Gavin's "people" to get him new fans, without even bothering to try to retain the old ones. All I can say is that they're making a huge mistake. To quote one of my favorite Gavin songs, "Time will tell. It always does."

Two Years

Two years ago today my ex-boyfriend broke up with me. At the time I was devastated, and after this blog post I will no longer be posting specifically about that particular break-up. I might occasionally mention it in passing because you never know what life may bring.

Although I was blindsided by the timing, the end of my relationship with my ex was a long time coming. In many ways, it may have been over as soon as it began. When you're in a relationship with someone that you feel you can't tell your friends and family the whole truth about, that relationship is doomed. For almost five years I lied by ommission to my mother, the most important person in my life. I also rationalized the lies that I told myself. If "loving" someone makes you go against your morals and the beliefs that you hold dear, walk away before you're in too deep. Although my intuition was constantly telling me to detach from the situation, I stayed out of sheer stubbornness. Plus, I'm someone that will never give up on you if I feel like I can help you.

If you only take one thing away from this post, let it be this. No matter how much you love someone, that love means absolutely nothing if they don't love themselves. A person has to feel worthy of love and treat themselves with loving kindness before they can receive love. My ex was practically alone in this world. Due to his upbringing, he and his mother were more like acquaintances than family. I have a tendency to want to embrace those who have lost their way, and in many ways he and I were kindred spirits. He knew what it was like to grow up poor, and he had seen the ugly side of life. I realized, too late, our common struggles weren't enough to keep us together. Whereas I embraced my past and evolved, he did not. I think a part of him is somewhat ashamed of where he came from so he acts almost as if that's no longer a part of who he is. Those of you who frequent this blog know about my humble beginnings and how I've let them be an impetus for me to try and have a better life than I might've otherwise had.

Two years removed from, what at the time seemed to be, one the most devastating events in my life, I continue to understand why things turned out the way that they were supposed to. The passage of time helps me to see that he and I were both meant for something different.

It's Official

Last night was my last yoga teacher training class. I'm officially a registered yoga teacher. I can't believe I made it. Prior to the beginning of the program I wasn't even going to do the training. A deposit of $600 was required at registration which was in December of last year. I knew I wouldn't have that money by the deadline so I thought I'd wait until I saved the money before I did the training. Thought maybe I'd catch it next year. I mentioned to a friend that I wanted to do the training but didn't have the money. She told me to email the yoga studio owner (who would be doing the training) and let her know that I was interested. I knew that I'd have that $600 by the beginning of the training, but not before. I contacted Krista (the studio owner) and let her know my situation. She said that I could give her a check for $600 to hold my spot in the program, but that she wouldn't cash it until January.

By the time the yoga teacher training program started, I had all of my money and I was ready to roll. The rest of the money for the program was paid in installments. Every month I gave Krista a check. How I managed to carve out that payment every month from my finances is truly beyond me. Before teacher training I never would've thought I could've handled another monthly expense, but the universe provided for me. Along the way I've changed physically, mentally, and spiritually. I've made some wonderful friends, and I've acquired a skill that I can use to help people for the rest of my life.

I will be forever grateful to my friend who convinced me to go for it. I just knew there was no way I'd ever have the money to do it, but she gave me the best piece of advice ever. She said "Just jump. The money will be there when you need it." She was right. My faith in what's meant to be has always been strong, but the money aspect of things sometimes shakes my faith a bit. In my heart I've always known that I'm going to make it, but this phase in my life has taught me about what's really important. First and foremost we need to take care of ourselves. Also, we aren't what we wear or what we own. Stripping away all of the extraneous shit that we impose on ourselves will bring us closer to the divine, which resides in each and every one of us.

My Life-Continued

It seems like writing yesterday's blog post broke the ice for me to start updating this blog again. When I last talked about my life story, we were in the apartment I was sharing with a college friend after I graduated. My privacy had been well and truly violated, which I totally was not digging. One thing I forgot to tell you is that when I spoke to her about my not being happy with boundaries being overstepped, she said that where she's from that type of behavior is okay. I was thinking "Really? I'm from rural Georgia, and although we aren't the most couth people, even that doesn't fly with us."

After all of that went down I knew that I couldn't trust her, and went about my business for the rest of the summer. I found out that she was planning to move back home for a bit and then move to Las Vegas with her sister, so once our lease was up, she was out. On the day that she actually moved I didn't know she was leaving until I got home from work that afternoon. There was a note on my bed telling me that she was gone and that I owed her money for my part of the utilities. She included her parents' address so that I could send the money. I fully intended to send the money until I went into her old room and saw the note that she left for the freeloader girl. In the note she went on and on about what a great friend freeloader girl had been to her and how maybe she could visit her once she moved to Vegas with her sister. Wtf?! I was the one who got her out of a jam when she needed someone to take over half of the lease. I'm the one whose stuff her family and friends commandeered why I wasn't there. All I got was "You owe me money. Send it to this address." While this other girl who did nothing but mess up dishes without washing them, as well as not taking a turn cleaning the bathroom gets "You have been such a good friend to me." After reading that I knew there was no damn way she was ever getting the money that I owed her for utilities. When it comes right down to it, I got screwed in that deal. Looking back on it I just hate the fact that I didn't have the guts to speak up for myself. Of course with time comes maturity and hopefully, the ability to take action when someone is treating you unfairly. I just know that were I in the same situation today there's no way that I would stand for what went down. Live and learn.

Been Away Far Too Long

Hi, everyone. Did you miss me? I know it's been a long time since we last saw each other and there's definitely still more of my life story to tell. I've been very busy with my yoga teacher training and in three weeks I'll be all done. There's a big push to get some practice teaching done, so I've been trying to line up some private sessions with friends and colleagues. I also plan to set up another blog that will be centered around yoga. This journey is just beginning for me and I am looking forward to sharing with you all of the things that I learn along the way.

You Really Never Know Someone...

...until you live with them. It's such a cliche, but so true. Although the story I'm about to tell you happened almost 14 years ago, the retelling of it makes me feel like I'm right back there in the summer of 1998. In July of that year my younger brother was graduating from basic training as a Marine, so I took a trip down South to go with my family to his graduation. Before leaving the apartment for my trip, I closed my bedroom door. Off I went to enjoy some family time, secure in the belief that everything would be the way that I left it when I got home.

Boy, was I wrong! First of all, on the cab ride home I was thinking about the fact that I had strawberry Pop-Tarts, and I was looking forward to having one. Get home, go in the kitchen, no Pop-Tarts. Ask my roommate if she's seen my Pop-Tarts and her response was "My mom must've eaten them." I'm thinking "Your mom?" Apparently her parents were in town while I was gone, and they stayed in the apartment, rather than booking a room in a hotel. Supposedly they slept in her room, while she and her clubbing buddy slept in mine. Strike one: My Pop-Tarts are gone.

I go into my bedroom to unpack my stuff and notice that there are keys on my bed. Here we go again. Back to my roommate's room to ask her about the keys. Her response was "Oh those must be Paul's keys. We watched a movie in your room the other night, and he must've left them there." What? They watched a movie in my room? Strike two: My roommate and some dude were rolling around on my bed.

Putting stuff away in my closet I noticed that my bathrobe wasn't hanging inside on the door. Why do I have to keep asking this girl about my shit? Off I go to her room yet again. Ask her if she's seen my bathrobe. She asks what color it is, and when I tell her, she informs me that her mother slept in it while she was there. Apparently she thought it belonged to freeloader girl. You remember freeloader girl from my previous post, right? The million dollar question is: How would her mom even know about the existence of that robe unless she was in my room while she was visiting? That pretty much tells me that this chick's parents slept in my bed. Strike three: Some woman I don't even know is sleeping in my robe.

After that, I really had very little to do with this girl because I was raised to respect other people's property and to not touch something that isn't mine without permission. Where I'm from, a closed bedroom door when someone isn't home means "Do Not Enter". Invasion of privacy, anyone?

Unfortunately, at this point in my life I wasn't assertive enough to voice my disgust at all that had transpired while I was gone.

School's Out Forever

For any of you that have ever been in therapy, you know that it takes a long time to change deeply ingrained behaviors. It's easy to fall back into the patterns that you've been following for your whole life. As I mentioned before, I'm an emotional eater. Weight gain is a sure sign that I'm upset or depressed about something. The time that I spent in therapy had helped me to cope with things without feeling the need to overeat because I had a place where I could go to let all of those feelings out. By the the time I graduated from college I had lost weight and was feeling good about myself.

Right after graduation I decided to share an apartment with a friend of mine that was in the same degree program as I was. Her roommate had broken the lease and she needed someone to live there until the lease was up. Because I wanted to continue living in Boston, it seemed like the perfect opportunity. But then as the saying goes, you never know someone until you live with them. In the beginning things started out well, but then I found out that she was letting a friend of hers crash there and share her bedroom. I know what you're thinking. If her friend is living there, why couldn't her friend help with the rent? That's a valid question. Because it was her place that I was moving into, I didn't feel like I could ask that question. Looking back, I think how much easier it would've been if we each had paid a third of the rent. I guess the other girl figured that as long as she didn't pay rent she wasn't responsible for any of the housework. She was a great one for using the dishes and then not washing them. It made for a great existence for the three months that I was there.