I Thought I Would Miss You More

We spent five years of our lives together. There were ups and downs. There were good times and bad. The day that you chose to end it, I was shocked. I know that what we had wasn't perfect, but I believed in us. Even after it was "offically" over, we were able to maintain a bond. Little did I know that this bond would make you think you had the right to dictate to me how I should live my life. When I finally stepped out of the neat little box that you had put me in, you went berserk. "How could you...?" "What gives you the right to...?" "You're nothing but a...!" The hateful words that flew from your mouth like projectile vomit washed over me, trying to drown me. Instead of thinking rationally, you lashed out. Your mission: to cause me as much pain as you feel I caused you. I knew you were hurting and tried to wait it out. Whenever I tried to reason with you, you shot me down. All of a sudden you questioned the past and every move I ever made. You let your paranoia get the best of you and made me out to be evil incarnate. After all of that, I still had sympathy for you. I know it was hard for you to see me moving on, but there was one action that dried up the last vestiges of my sympathy. Upon finding out how low you could sink, it's like the memories of times past magically disappeared. Those that know me know that I feel things very deeply. When someone hurts me, it cuts right to my very soul. Maybe the universe is trying to shield me from more pain by bringing me to a state of inner calm and peace. Now that you're gone, I honestly thought that I'd miss you more. Apparently the loss of your negative energy brought me to a place of acceptance.

Who Shapes Your View of the World?

No matter how much we all try to maintain our inner positivity and good humor, the way that we view the world can definitely be shaped by whomever we choose to spend our life with. By nature I'm a caring, generous, loving person who is slow to anger. As a Libra, I'm a natural born mediator and try to see both sides of any situation because fairness is very important to me. This morning I came to the realization that for four and a half years I let myself move further away from the traits that make me a good person. During that time I was sharing my life with someone who believes that the world is against him and that his lot in life will never change. Funnily enough, he wasn't really doing anything to change his lot in life. He was so closed off to the world around him. After being with him for a while, I closed myself off, too.

Now it's been four and a half months since we cut ties. Now that we have, I can feel myself opening up again. There's not a persistent black cloud over everything that I do and say. I've always smiled a lot, but now when I smile, I put my heart into that smile. Over the past six or seven months my weight-loss journey was hampered by the bad feelings that he brought out in me. I've finally got my head screwed on straight and over the past two weeks I lost 5lbs. I can see my goal just up ahead and I plan to keep charging hard to get there.

I let someone that I loved shape my view of the world. Had it not been for the fact that his outlook was one of a toxic nature, doing so would not necessarily have been a bad thing. But since his aura is rife with hatred and isolation, I, in turn, became surly and suspicious of everything and everyone around me. I also became quite apathetic. As many of us know, apathy never leads to good things. I'm happy to be once again shaping my own view of the world. If there ever comes another time in my life where I feel the need to choose someone to share my life with, I will be sure to choose someone who enhances my view of the world instead of shrouding me in the darkness that will only drag me down.

The Strength to Carry On

Those of you who are friends with me on Facebook know that on Wednesday I was having issues with the new printer here in my office. What is it about office equipment that can take us from zero to 60 in the anger department in no time at all? Well those of you that saw I was having printer issues didn't know there were other things that added to the stress of my day on Wednesday. First off, it was mine and my ex's five-year anniversary. He called me at work and was like "It's been nice knowing you for five years." To some that may sound kind of flippant and asshole-y, but that's standard behavior from him. I will say the conversation went downhill from there. Although I won't repeat what was said, suffice it to say he went from joker to jerk-off in the course of the conversation.

On Wednesday I was also supposed to begin the first of my copyediting classes so that I could finish up my certificate. That's also the night I usually have my Weight Watchers meeting, but since the meeting and the class conflicted, I planned to weigh in, then go to class. Mind you, class is three and a half hours long and began at 6pm. By the time class was over, the buses would've stopped running and I would've had to walk home from the subway station. On any other Wednesday I probably wouldn't have cared, but after having to battle the printer that Satan gave birth to and then having my ex act like a jerk-off on what would've been our fifth anniversary it was enough to do me in. I knew that if I went to class instead of going to my Weight Watchers meeting, there was the possibility that I would have the binge to end all binges once I got home from my copyediting class. I had already had a mini-binge the previous night because of my anxiety about the upcoming anniversary, as well as the upcoming classes.

Before me was a tough decision. If I went to class, I'd be working toward having my copyediting certificate by the end of November; but I'd also be risking sabotaging my weight-loss efforts. I once gained six pounds in one week and I hated that feeling. On the other hand, if I went to Weight Watchers and stayed for the meeting, I'd be sitting in a meeting knowing that I had gained weight this week and thinking about how I should be working on getting my certificate so that I can get closer to having an actual career. It didn't take me very long to make up my mind. I decided to withdraw from the classes and finish up my certificate in the spring. By that time I'll be back living in Boston and the logistics of getting home from class will be much easier. I won't be as vulnerable to potential weight-loss sabotage, and I also won't be living with the ex anymore.

When I was younger, I would've just gone to class and not gone to my Weight Watchers meeting because I would've been in such a hurry to get my copyediting certificate that I wouldn't have heeded the warnings that my head was trying to give me. By going to my meeting, I gave myself what I truly needed at that time. I needed the support of my Weight Watchers ladies in order to continue on my journey of using food as nourishment for my body instead of for my heart and soul.

Women, Know Your Worth!

Last Friday I had dinner with a friend of mine from college. She has two children (born six years apart), and lives with their father in an apartment that she can't afford the rent for. Neither she nor the father work. He receives unemployment and she receives food stamps. Of course this doesn't sound too terribly different from scenarios going on all over the country. The one glaring difference is that she actually CHOSE this life.

After the birth of her first child she lived with her parents in a well-heeled neighborhood in New Jersey. She had a job in New York City making good money, and she and the father argued about the fact that he didn't support his child. The arguments went back and forth, with her parents occasionally putting in their two cents. Eventually she and the father broke up. During their time apart, she lost weight and was really working on getting her life together and providing a good life for her son. Granted, she was still living with her parents, but she was paying her bills. A few years later, enter baby daddy. He sees her looking all fly after her weight loss and decides that he's gotta hit that again. Fast-forward a few months and she's got another bun in the oven. Why she would even think about conceiving another child with someone who never even tried to support the first one is beyond me.

After the birth of her second child, she decided that she and baby daddy shoud give it a go as a family. She moved from that cushy suburb in New Jersey to Jamaica Plain, MA. JP isn't a bad place to live, but the schools aren't so great. My friend soon realized that when her eldest came home and told her about all of the inappropriate language that the students were using. To combat that problem, she decided to move to a pricier area with better schools. That's all well and good if you are working and can actually afford to pay for the apartment, but as you'll remember, she and baby daddy aren't working.

From what I understand, baby daddy isn't trying to find work. He'd rather spend his time out clubbing. On Friday night when she and I were having dinner, I asked her how things are going between the two of them. Her exact words were "We're like mortal enemies." What?! You had this man's two sons, gave up a home with a built-in babysitter, and gave up a good job making good money to be with his ass and you're like mortal enemies? What the fuck?! She said that he's verbally abusive to her and that she can't remember the last time they were intimate. Like most men, he won't let a mere argument deter him from sex, but she said that she holds a grudge. She also said that some of his words sting. Of course they do! Words are very powerful. She said she wouldn't tell me the things he says to her. I told her I didn't want to hear them because I'm sure that if I did, I'd punch him in the mouth as soon as he walked back in the door.

Now here is someone who was doing well for herself, but decided to throw that all away to try to be a "family" with her baby daddy and their kids. I'm all for family when it's a positive existence that can nurture the children that are involved. Unfortunately this "family" isn't fostering a healthy environment for children to thrive in. She compared herself to those chicks on Springer and Maury who know their men aren't worth the dog shit on my shoe. Those chicks are always like "But I love him!" Yep, she loves that deadbeat asshole. I know you can't choose who you love, but when you're a mother, it's important that you put the needs of your children above all else, even above their father if he's not helping you to try to provide a stable life for them. I know those children feel the tension in that household. That's probably why they chose to act out while we were eating dinner.

Regardless, I know that no words I say are going to make her kick baby daddy's ass out of the apartment that her father is paying the rent on, and go back home to her parents. That would actually be the best thing for her. She could live with them until she found a job and got on her feet. After that, she could look into getting a place for her and the boys. If baby daddy wanted to visit the kids, he could as long as he knew he'd have to find his own place to stay while he was there.

Women, I implore you to stand up and take charge of your lives. We deserve to be treated with respect and should always make an effort to cultivate our own self-respect. No hole is ever too deep to climb out of. Sometimes you might need a helping hand to get out, but you can still get out. Love is not supposed to make you feel worthless or hopeless. Your children depend on you to do the right thing for them so that they can have a solid foundation to build a life after they've grown up. Children should not have to suffer for their parents mistakes. They deserve a better life than that. It hurts me to see this happening to my friend because I know that she never envisioned her life this way. Who does? The fact that she chose to be with and have children with a man whose dependability factor is below zero is water under the bridge. What happens from here on out is most important, but until she takes off her blinders, she'll keep digging her hole deeper and deeper.

Pressing the Re-set Button

About three weeks ago my Weight Watchers leader had her last meeting with us. This is the second leader I've had leave since I started this journey in January of 2009. This leader is Regional Director for the Northeast Region, so she has to attend a lot of meetings related to her work in that capacity. Unfortunately, the meetings that she's required to attend are in direct conflict with our Wednesday evening WW meeting. Because she felt that we should have the continuity of the same leader every week instead of our regular leader sometimes and then a sub other times, she decided to hand us off to a new leader. Anyway, in that last meeting she talked about pressing the re-set button with regard to the program. After doing WW for a while, it's very easy to get bored, complacent, and off track. A lot of people think that this is a diet that I'm on, but it's actually a way of life for me. If I don't make it a way of life, then there was no point in losing the weight, because it'll come right back. Pressing the re-set button involves getting back on track. Back in April I went off the rails just as I was about to reach my weight-loss goal, and I've been struggling to get back on ever since.

For those of you that don't know, my boyfriend and I broke up about two and a half months ago. Although we're broken up, we still live in the same apartment because we just got the place in April and there's a lease; and because neither of us has the money to move right now. As an emotional eater, it has been hard for me to live with my ex-boyfriend and stay on plan. Two weeks ago when I weighed in, I had gained. I had no idea how I was going to press the re-set button as I saw myself spinning my wheels as my goal got further and further away. Luckily, something happened to break the cycle. Last week, I went to Georgia to spend time with my family. While I was there, I was able to press that re-set button. I didn't binge or overeat, and I didn't feel a need to. During that week, a feeling of peace and relaxation settled over me. I went to WW and weighed in while I was there. When I stepped on the scale, I found that I had lost 2.2lbs. Yeah baby!!!!

Since returning from that trip, I've been able to stay on plan more than I was able to before. I have officially re-set my perspective on my journey and will be seriously working toward my goal again. I have weigh-in again tonight and it feels like I may have lost again, but even if I didn't, the pants I'm wearing are a size smaller than the ones I was wearing three weeks ago, so I'm already victorious!

September 11, 2001

Everyone has their own experiences regarding September 11, 2001. Right now I'd like to share mine. Just three days prior, on Septermber 8, I moved into a new apartment. I was psyched because this apartment was nicer than my old one and the rent was cheaper. It was also around the corner from one of my good friends from college and in my favorite area of Boston. My first three days in the apartment were spent getting unpacked and settling in. Little did I know that on Day Four the US would be changed forever.

On the morning of September 11 I took the subway to work as I usually did, but while walking to my office I had an overwhelming urge to cry. During this period of my life, my intuition was especially heightened. I got what I called the "death feeling". Whenever I had that feeling, I knew someone was going to die. Normally when I got that feeling, not too long afterward, I'd hear from my mother that a distant relative had died.

Once I got to work I set the feeling aside and got set to settle in for the day. The first person to mention a plane flying into one of the towers was my boss. Of course we all thought it was an accident. But then when the second one hit, we knew something was wrong. An eerie feeling came over the office and no one was really able to get any work done. As we all searched for information online, the towers were burning. It all seemed so surreal.

Little by little information started to trickle in. The planes left from Logan Airport. One crashed into the side of the Pentagon. One crashed in a field in Pennsylvania. Something beyond our comprehension was going on. The governor thinks everyone should leave downtown Boston. Outside is the sound of helicopters and there's chaos as people are trying to decide whether or not they should take the subway. I walked home. On the way I called my mom and then I called one of my good friends. He and I discussed how scary it was. Everyone was stunned and seemed at a loss.

When I got home to my new apartment, I turned on the tv to watch coverage of the attacks. It was everywhere, on every channel. You actually couldn't get away from it. Because the windows of my apartment faced a brick wall, I got very little sunlight. All I can remember is me sitting in a dark apartment, clutching a pillow to my chest, and wondering what was next.

In the days that followed, this country pulled together in a way that I'd never seen in my lifetime. For a while it was almost like the US was one big family. Differences were momentarily set aside so that we could all mourn together and comfort each other. Unfortunately, it seems that we've lost that bond that we built after the events that took place nine years ago. Many said "We will never forget", but they have. They let the trivialities of life get in the way of the fact that it could've been any one of us on those planes. For whatever reason, we're still here. Because of that reason and many others, we need to appreciate ourselves, each other, and everything that we have. The infighting that takes place among the American people is exactly what our enemies want. Don't give them the satisfaction. Pull together again and let them know that we are resilient people. Do it so that those who died as a result of the tragedies of September 11, 2001 will truly never be forgotten. May we find peace individually, peace collectively, and peace universally.

Photo courtesy of nymag.com

When the Universe Does You a Favor

I know that there's a force greater than I can ever comprehend at work around me. I'm a firm believer that what you put out into the universe comes back to you. When I was younger, that concept was hard to grasp, but as the years have gone by, it has been proven time and time again. Recently the universe did me a favor, but at the time I didn't see it as such. All I could see is what I felt I had lost, rather than focusing on what I had gained. I'm someone who tends to internalize anger and sadness, which manifests itself in overeating. If I'm not really careful, it would be easy to undo all of the hard work I've done with Weight Watchers.

We may not always get the things that we want, but the universe will always provide us with the things we need at any given time. If you've been living in a dream world and need to be slapped back to reality (metaphorically speaking), then that's what you're going to get. Believe me, I've been slapped back to reality more than once. If you're someone who's been compromising your morals and values to hold onto to something or someone that you think belongs in your life, then there are going to be all sorts of stumbling blocks placed in front of you because you're not being true to yourself.

Don't get me wrong. Sometimes things happen with no apparent explanation. They may not be a direct result of our actions, but nevertheless they have an effect on us, sometimes bringing about a re-evalution of where we are in our lives and where we want to be. My 35th birthday is coming up and ever since I was 25, I've assessed my life every 5 years to see what has improved and what still needs work. I'm not currently where I had hoped to be at the age of 35, but because the universe did me a favor, I'm closer to it than I may have otherwise been.